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The 5 Love Languages: What Are They and Are YOU Missing the Mark?

Are We Speaking the Same Language (800 x 576 px)

Written by Savannah Babych, LMSW

Mark and Sarah came into the office this week frustrated and feeling lonely in their relationship. Mark doesn’t understand why his wife isn’t interested in being intimate or holding hands when they went to the shops today to buy a gift for their niece’s 3rd birthday. Sarah complains that Mark isn’t showing her enough attention. Mark feels confused; they both feel rejected and lonely. Sound familiar?

“How am I not paying enough attention to you? I tried to hold your hand today and you swatted me away. I wanted to cuddle on the couch last night when we watched our show and you said you needed space! I feel like I can’t do anything right,” Mark exclaims.

Sarah replies, “You know, I asked you to do the dishes yesterday morning and you totally ignored that. So, when I got home from picking up our children and grocery shopping — to then see the sink full of dishes, no, I did not want to cuddle on the couch with you.”

So many of us get trapped in this cycle when we are speaking our love language and expect our partner to receive that love because it might be how we would receive it. However, everyone gives and receives love in different ways! So if you are expressing your love to your partner in a language that they don’t speak, your efforts go unnoticed and vice versa.

The Languages

Developed by Gary Chapman thirty years ago, the 5 Love Languages are based on his own experience working with couples. The love languages help us to categorize and understand the different ways in which we communicate and receive love from one another. This concept can be applied to any kind of relationship but can be exponentially helpful in a romantic relationship that is a bit more seasoned.

1. Words of Affirmation

Putting this love language into action can look like paying compliments to your partner. It can also look like offering kind words or words of encouragement. Those who value words of affirmation want to be told how amazing they are! Don’t we all? In reality, this love language helps to validate that we are being seen for everything we are and everything we do. Doesn’t that sound nice?

2. Physical Touch

Physical touch seems to be one of the most well-known love languages in a relationship. We all have different experiences when it comes to physical touch and it’s important to know ourselves and express our likes and dislikes in this area. Physical touch includes sex, but goes far beyond that! Craving this love language can also mean, holding hands, sitting next to one another, a brush of the cheek, a giant bear hug… the list goes on. People who value physical touch enjoy those happy love hormones that come along with it!

3. Quality Time

Quality time is, simply put, spending time with each other and connecting through focused attention and conversation. Sitting together and binging Netflix maybe just doesn’t cut it. Let’s face it, most of us live really busy lives and it’s hard to find a moment to ourselves, nonetheless our relationships. But if we can be intentional about connecting regularly, we often find that preventative work helps eliminate future problems.

4. Acts of Service

Here we’ll find Sarah. Sarah wanted Mark to do the dishes this morning, but because he probably got busy and forgot about it, that never happened. Sarah took this as rejection because this may be the way she receives love right now as a stressed-out mom. Sarah wanted Mark to prioritize her “ask,” or maybe take the initiative to do it without asking (how many of us have heard that before?). In not fulfilling her request, Sarah felt Mark wasn’t paying attention or being conscientious of her needs and workload.

5. Receiving Gifts

Ahhh, gifts. They are so fun to receive and for some, so fun to give! Though, not for all. Some of us value gifts because they show that our partners know us and think about what we may like. Some of us like to receive gifts because it’s just fun to open a surprise every now and then! Maybe you give great gifts as your love language, but your partner isn’t really a “gift person.” You know the partner that never looks at the thing you put hours into picking out again? That’s the one! All the more reason to examine those love languages to make sure our energy is being put to good use.

Making the repair

If you’ve just read this article and are sitting in a panic, don’t! It is OKAY to feel like maybe we don’t have the understanding of what our partners need to the degree that we thought we did. Unless we communicate these things and have intentional conversations about them, how would we ever know? Now is your chance to get it right! Take the quizzes online or read “The Five Love Languages” book to find out how you give and receive love with your partner so that your efforts are well received and you don’t miss the mark.

If you want to learn more about The 5 Love Languages and how to implement them in your relationships, sign up for my workshop taking place on September 21st at NourishYourMind.com/upcoming-event/love-languages-workshop/.

-Savannah Babych, LMSW

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BIO

Cameryn (Cam) received her Master’s degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marist College. Prior to joining Nourish Your Mind, she worked in private practice, primarily serving children, teens, and their families. During this time, she developed a passion for helping clients navigate their unique challenges through the transformative power of play and expressive arts therapy. Cam believes that every individual deserves a safe, nurturing space where they can authentically express themselves. She is dedicated to empowering her clients by identifying and utilizing their inherent strengths to help them achieve their personal goals.

In her therapeutic approach, Cam integrates a holistic wellness model with strengths- and mindfulness-based methods. She employs a variety of evidence-based techniques, including DBT and Nondirective Play Therapy, and she recognizes the importance of tailoring interventions to meet the specific needs of each individual and family.

When she’s not in the office, Cam enjoys reading, traveling, weight-lifting, and immersing herself in music and films. She also values spending quality time with friends, family, and her cats.

  • Licensed Mental Health Counselor
  • Master of Arts in Mental Health Counseling, Marist College
  • Bachelor of Arts in Psychology, SUNY Geneseo
  • Member of the American Counseling Association (ACA)
  • Middletown Office
BIO

Brianna earned her Bachelor of Social Work degree from Siena College and her Master of Social Work degree from Adelphi University. Throughout her education and early career, she worked with at-risk adolescents experiencing trauma and maladaptive coping as both a clinician and crisis interventionist. She later spent several years in emergency services, specializing in trauma-informed care for adolescents and adults. Brianna has extensive experience working with individuals struggling with trauma, anxiety, depression, mood dysregulation, self-esteem, and relationship challenges.

Brianna takes a strength-based, integrative approach to therapy, empowering clients to discover their own path toward healing and self-acceptance. She believes that while we cannot change the past, we can change our relationship with it. She is passionate about helping clients develop effective coping skills, reconnect with their inner resilience, and build lives that extend beyond surviving trauma.

Brianna believes healing is not only a journey of the mind, but a whole-body experience. She is a Registered Yoga Teacher (RYT-200) and thoughtfully incorporates mind-body practices into therapy to support nervous system regulation, mindfulness, and emotional awareness. She is also certified in Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART), an evidence-based trauma treatment that helps clients process distressing experiences, and Ketamine-Assisted Psychotherapy (KAP), offering a holistic approach for individuals seeking deeper healing from trauma, depression, anxiety, and other emotional challenges. By integrating traditional psychotherapy with somatic approaches and specialized trauma treatments, Brianna helps clients create lasting, meaningful change.

Above all, Brianna is dedicated to creating a safe, compassionate, and authentic therapeutic environment where clients feel seen, supported, and empowered to reconnect with their truest selves.

Brianna resides in Orange County with her two rescue huskies. In her free time, she enjoys hiking, spending time in nature, painting, practicing yoga, and cooking while surrounded by music, friends, and family.

  • Licensed Clinical Social Worker, State of New York
  • Master’s of Social Work, Adelphi University
  • Master’s of Social Work, Adelphi University RYT-200
  • Ketamine-Assisted Psychotherapy (KAP) Certified, Journey Clinical
  • Accelerated Resolution Therapy Trained, Rosenzweig Center for Rapid Recovery
  • Middletown Office
BIO

Ashley received her Master’s Degree in Mental Health Counseling from SUNY New Paltz. While attending her graduate program, Ashley worked as a supervisor at a Crisis Intervention Program and interned at an Adolescent Partial Hospitalization Program, gaining valuable skills in crisis management and group therapy. Before joining Nourish Counseling, she spent several years working in a long-term outpatient care clinic specializing in children, adolescents and their families. Ashley has expertise in partnering with those suffering from depression, anxiety, trauma, family conflict, and personality disorders.

Ashley believes that each client is their own expert. She provides an integrative approach that focuses on both the thoughts and behaviors her clients may be struggling with in order to help them find balance and build resiliency. She works with clients in a person-centered and skill building approach to help determine and reach their own individual goals. Following a Dialectical Behavioral and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy approach, she encourages and supports clients to reach their full potential.

Ashley lives in Middletown, NY with her husband and a very loved dog. She enjoys family time, cooking, and trying new things whenever possible.

  • American Counseling Association
  • Middletown Office
BIO

Amanda is a Certified Clinicial Trauma Professional with a deep commitment to guiding clients through their healing and discovery. She believes that you are the expert of your own life, and she is dedicated to building a safe, collaborative space where you feel both validated and motivated for change. 

Amanda specializes in treating those with Complex Trauma, Grief and Loss, Anxiety and Depression, Chronic Illness, Infertility, Infant/Pregnancy Loss, Women’s Health and Neurodivergent Disorders. She works with individuals aged 5 and up. 

Amanda’s unique, holistic approach to psychothreapy is rooted in evidence-based practices and tailored to fit your specific clinical needs. She seamlessly integrates practices like mindfulness and meditation with powerful theraputic modalities, including Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Motivational Interviewing, and Internal Family Systems Therapy. 

After gaining experience in Baltimore – including intensive work in Residential Foster Care and as a Medical Social Worker – Amanda has been settled back in her home, the Hudson Valley. She enjoys cooking, reading and spending time with her husband and two young daughters. She has journeyed with cleints for nearly 5 years at Nourish and is now ready to partner with you!

  • Cornwall Office
  • Middletown Office